Our Quiet Time

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life. But remember that I am also part of this life.
-Sandra Acevedo

A couple of weeks ago, I came across an old job description, which made me think. In our careers and employment, we have certain obligations to the company. Just as we don’t think twice about doing the best job possible and making changes to our work habits to grow in a company, we should also apply this mindset to our personal growth and relationships. Our responsibility is just that.
Most employers hope that the person is a team player, has critical thinking skills, and can be trusted. This made me think of how we handle our relationships. We make so many promises initially, and we need to realize them. If we were at our workplace, human resources would call us to look us in the eye and say, you are dropping the ball, along with a written warning. Is there any reason we shouldn’t do the same? Why is it so complicated to look at the problem and adjust ourselves on behalf of the devotion we say we have for the one we love?
Why do we become so defensive when someone we love gives us constructive criticism? Come on, you know it’s true! We quickly question everything and become offended when someone sees through us and then lets us know it. “Move over, people. I’m about to explode, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.” Won’t you agree that when ego and resentment become intertwined, and we do nothing to repair the hurt, we should be ready for a hard life?
I’ve worked hard to forgive and put my ego to rest. It has been challenging. My issues go back many years, and that’s a complicated fix. Yet, I strive to be honest when deciding to become a better person in my relationship. Becoming a better person ‘means being more understanding, empathetic, and willing to compromise. I owe ‘Love’ that much!
Sometimes, the choice can be extremely uncomfortable because the line between altering who we are for someone and becoming better for ourselves is thin. We can mistake it, causing us to resent the idea of change. “No one changes,” I hear. But that is not true. Not true! So, how can we be responsible for our role in our relationship? Why not begin by asking yourself this: Would I want to marry someone like me? Would you?
I worked hard in an attempt to heal my heart. My ego, however, had other plans. I was always angry and resentful of the past; it hurt my soul daily. I would still be in a dark place with nothing to offer, nothing to receive, and no desire to make changes. There was no reason for me to become a better person. I’ll wallow in my sadness alone, I repeated. But then, I realized the potential for personal growth. I could be better. No one is perfect, but when we want to love someone truly, there is one question we should always ask ourselves, “Am I listening; am I observing; do I know what the person I love needs, and am I willing to give it?”
Figure out your part and be responsible for your role in the relationship. Look around and ask yourself this. “Do they make me want to be a better person.” – How much do you want to make someone happy? Are you willing to change your actions? You, not them…YOU! Are you prepared to let your guard down? Are you ready to love someone how they want and need to be loved? Not everyone needs or wants the same thing. – I’m a very independent person, and I enjoy spending time alone. My time to myself is hugely important. With that said, I also want to be loved. I want someone to keep his promises to me. I want someone to say, “You make me want to be a better man,” promising I will do the same.
When I married my ex, I loved him, maybe a little too much. I put my needs aside, and my changes were not making me a better person. In the beginning, I mistook his jealousy and control for love.
I made many mistakes, and maybe I’ve loved too hard. Broken promises have made me fearful of trying again. I trusted no one; then, one day, I realized I needed someone in my life.
I had been alone too long, so I put myself out there. It was a disaster. No one lasted. But with help and therapy, I learned that it was not about them; it was about me. I was not taking responsibility for my role. I wanted happiness, but the hurt from my past was making me act like a demon from the abyss. This realization was a turning point in my journey of healing and self-discovery.
I was there for anything they needed. I became a problem solver. In any situation, I would fix it. Silently, however, I expected the same in return, and when I didn’t get it, I shut myself. “I don’t need to tell him what I need; he should know! -Really? When I became honest with myself, I said, ” So, how’s that been working for you, Sandra?”
I learned I needed to be honest and communicate my needs. It’s not just about speaking your truth, but also about listening to the other person’s truth. Don’t leave your future entirely to destiny. Do your part and learn who deserves your love. Before all this, though, ask this. Do I deserve theirs?